Avoiding Smack Downs! How to Handle Sibling Conflict
As parents, our goal is to prepare our children to survive and thrive in the world. In order to be successful, they have to learn certain skills, such as problem-solving and conflict resolution. Your child’s ability to productively handle conflict can set them up for success. Sibling relationships can nurture the development of these skills, along with many more.
Why are sibling relationships important?
The Sibling Project, a study initiated by the Association for Children with a Disability, noted the importance of siblings’ interaction with each other through the developing years and how a child’s self-identity is shaped by these interactions.
There’s value in understanding the importance of sibling relationships and how their interactions shape self-identity. It can help you create a safe space for your children. A space that allows them to develop important skills while nurturing their confidence and emotional health. Depending on your children’s age, siblings form a child’s first peer group. Through this relationship, they learn social skills. Research shows that healthy sibling relationships promote empathy, prosocial behavior, and academic achievement. Sibling relationships can also provide a significant source of continuity throughout a child’s lifetime and are likely to be the longest relationships that most people experience.
Sibling Conflict During childhood
Siblings spend a significant amount of time together. Quite naturally, conflict will occur. Competition and rivalry are common and normal. Jealousy and competition are often experienced at some point, leading to verbal and physical altercations.
allowing your kids to argue isn’t a parenting fail!
Conflict allows for the opportunity to develop the necessary skills to manage conflict, emotions and learn the importance of empathy. Surprisingly, not every argument requires your referee skills! HOWEVER, don’t allow things to go too far. When your help is needed, step in with an intervention that will help each child learn from the conflict.
I’ll admit. I am guilty of yelling “cut it out” when I begin to hear rumbling amongst my kids. Or simply telling them to go in separate rooms. I don’t want them to fight but I also don’t want to get up every time I hear name-calling. Many times, they can resolve the issue on their own. However, there are times when arguments take a turn for the worse and they need guidance towards a resolution. Stepping in isn’t just about resolving the conflict but also about preserving and protecting the sibling relationship. While conflict and even aggression can be normal within sibling relationships, normalizing it without intervention can cause long-term harm.
Growing up, my sister and I were really close. Being 3 years apart we did everything together. With that came a lot of fighting. How our parents helped us maneuver through our conflict allowed us the opportunity to develop problem-solving skills while preserving our relationship. As adults, we still maintain a close and healthy friendship. I do believe our relationship is a byproduct of the time our parents took to redirect and guide us during arguments. My prayer is that my children have the same opportunity and as they grow, their relationship remains close and healthy.
Addressing sibling conflict
In order for that to happen, I have to be intentional with the interventions I use when dealing with conflict. For my youngest two, ages 5 & 7, my favorite intervention is circle time. Circle time is a form of parent mediation that helps guide my kids through their arguments and helps them to see what could have been done or said differently throughout the course of their disagreement. Research suggests that when parents use a mediation approach, children are more constructive in handling conflicts and compromise more often.
During circle time, Jayce and Journey sit directly across from each other. Before we start, I always remind them of the rules:
· No interrupting: Everyone gets a chance to share how they feel without interruptions.
· No insults: No matter how upset you get; name-calling is not allowed. Use words that can express how you feel without being disrespectful.
· No shouting: We can hear each other just fine. Shouting and yelling are not necessary.
· Take Turns: We are having a two-way conversation. However, only one person is allowed to speak at a time. If you’re not talking, then you’re actively listening.
Once they are reminded of the rules, we do rock paper scissors to determine who speaks first!
I ensure that each child has the opportunity to discuss how they feel and why they are upset. Having this clear and calm dialogue allows me to see the issue from both sides. Understanding their individual intentions can help us name the problem and verbalize their specific emotions. Not only am I seeing their point of view, but they are given the opportunity to clearly hear their siblings and understand how their words or actions were hurtful. We discuss how we could have used our words or our hands differently and what can be done to resolve the current issue. Before we end, (with my insistence) they offer a specific apology and one thing they love about each other. If they’ve calmed down enough, we end with a hug and lots of praise for being able to talk things out.
This specific intervention helps them identify their emotions, encourages them to verbalize how they feel while teaching them ways to resolve conflict and take ownership of their actions.
It’s a safe space that allows them the chance to process the negative interaction they are having with their sibling and learn how to turn it into something positive (even if they don’t see it that way now). They are learning how to be confident in expressing their feelings without feeling shamed or disregarded. Through dialogue, they are learning empathy and how to agree to disagree without being disrespectful. Most importantly, they are creating a safe space within their sibling relationship.
Circle time or parent mediation can come with many frustrations and patience is definitely required on your end. However, the end result is worth the process. I started using this intervention a year ago. Recently, an argument started between Jayce and Journey (over God knows what). Soon, I could hear more name-calling and voices being raised. As I got up to step in, I heard Journey say, “I don’t like it when you use those words, they make me feel sad”. From there, a conversation took place that made the heavens part, and the angels sing lol! Seriously, not only did they resolve their issue but wait for it… they apologized to each other! All without my involvement! Now I’m not saying this is a common result, but it lets me know that they are listening, and they are learning!
Siblings serve as companions, confidants, and role models in childhood and as sources of support throughout adulthood. While discord amongst siblings is normal, without proper guidance it can be harmful. Unhealthy sibling relationships can be detrimental, during childhood and adulthood. Encourage your child’s social and emotional development by creating a safe space for them to resolve conflict. In doing so, you create a safe and healthy relationship between siblings. One that can provide your children with a friendship that will last a lifetime.
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