A Darkened Smile

 I was sixteen. Sitting on the floor of my bedroom closet. Alone. In the dark. It’s hard to explain what led to that moment. All that mattered is I was there. The darkness of the closet was a mere reflection of what I believed to be my life. While the appearance of happiness could be seen at school and in the presence of family, I was anything but. I was struggling to love me. I was struggling with acceptance. I was struggling with what God said vs what the enemy said. At that moment, the enemy was winning…

I sat on the floor with a razor blade to my wrist, with only one thought. I just want to die. Would it matter? Would I be missed? Deep down inside, I knew I mattered. I knew I would be missed but it was something I couldn’t shake.  A dark cloud that never goes away…and the sadness that filled my heart made everything else unimportant…

I ran the blade across my wrist, just to see if I could feel the pain. While the initial sting of the cut was more then I imagined, I just stared at the blood while it ran down my fingers. Before I knew it, I did it again…It felt like hours had passed, watching the blood run from my wrist. Hypnotized by its color, its thickness. After a while, the pain went away and all I was left with was the blood…

My parents weren’t home at the time. My sister was in the kitchen washing dishes. She knocked on my bedroom door.  “Are you ok?” Three simple words. Words I so desperately needed to hear. “Yea”, I shouted back…I wasn’t ok but the feeling of her presence, the sound of those words, broke my trance…

I never wanted anyone to know that my sadness led me to that dark place. In some way, I learned to deal with that dark cloud. I played nice at school, kept a smile on my face and did what was expected of me…I kept the darkness at bay…but it wasn’t too long after that I found myself sitting in that same darkness all over again…

My teen years were hard. In High School I experienced my first love, my first broken heart, a loss of a friendship, feelings of shame, unacceptance and loneliness, but I overcame those things, it wasn’t the end of me and those years didn’t define my existence in this world. 

God had a plan for me. 

We hear about these stories and wonder why someone would choose to suffer in silence, to succumb to their pain in the most permanent way. For me, I felt like no one would understand. I would be bombarded with “why” instead of receiving acknowledgement of my pain and comfort to help ease the loneliness I felt. 

There are so many that go through this alone. It can be your best friend, your sister, a co worker, a parent, a child. Be intentional when you ask someone how they’re doing. Listen to what they say and how they say it. In that moment, all I needed to hear were those 3 words to push me past that pain. While it was momentary, those 3 words kept me from making a final decision to temporary pain. 

Take a moment today, check on your children, your friends, your parents and simply ask, “Are you ok”?

 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org