The Unnecessary Thing About Exhaustion
I feel like I’m already tired tomorrow…
Does that sound like something you can relate to? Waking up tired but still can’t fall asleep at night? Have you ever gone through today, thinking about the nap you plan to take tomorrow?
I think we’ve all been there or at least I know I have. More times than not, I find myself operating on fumes, floating through my day with a serious case of brain fog. Only to find myself feeling guilty about not being 100% present in all my daily interactions. You would think once dinner is over, homework is done, the kids are in bed, and the house has been placed back in order I would fall face first into my bed and sleep like a baby for the next 6 (ish) hours.
NOPE!
My mind won’t allow it. In my silence, I am flooded with things that need to be done tomorrow…
Did you balance the budget this week? Did you place the grocery order? Isn’t your check engine light on? Didn’t you volunteer for snacks this week? OMG, you forget to send that email! Now, get on Instagram and see what everybody else is doing so you can really feel like you haven’t done enough with your life…
In those moments, (the moment I worked all day through my exhaustion to have) I am left to sit and sort through all the feelings of inadequacy, guilt, forgetfulness, and anxiety. All rooted in one thing, exhaustion. Or at first, glance that is what it seemed like.
the signs of Exhaustion
I felt like I had hit a wall. I was floating through my days unmotivated to do anything. Despite my ever-growing to-do list, I just didn’t have the desire to do the things I normally would do or even the things I enjoyed. It wasn’t depression or sadness. Over the years I’ve become well aware of what it looks like when my depression resurfaces. This was different. It felt different. It looked different and after having lunch with a friend, apparently, I presented differently. I wasn’t myself but if it wasn’t depression. What could it be?
While on the phone with my mom, I explained to her how I had been feeling lately. After quietly listening to me share all the random thoughts that somehow gave a detailed picture of how I had been feeling, she (in a very mom-ly fashion) told me what was wrong. First, she asked me about the time I’ve been spending with God. Having mentioned somewhere in the conversation that my schedule was off, I knew where her line of questions was going.
“It sounds like you need some quiet time with God.”
“Yea, you’re right”, I responded (cue eye-roll)…
As annoying as that was to hear, I knew she was right. At that moment I was reminded of a conversation I recently had with a very close friend (who never runs short of Godly advice). She told me I was running on fumes because I was dead set on carrying a load of my desires, needs, and responsibilities all on my own. It was wearing me down because God didn’t create us to carry the load all by ourselves. We, especially women, unnecessarily operate in exhaustion. If we only learned to hand it over to God, we would feel less pressure to operate in that way any longer. A moment of clarity allowed me to see why life looked so dull and colorless.
My schedule was definitely off. The kids were out for the summer. I was working from home while maintaining a summer activity schedule, scheduling clients well into the evenings, and staying up late with the kids. In an effort to get a few solid hours of sleep, I slowly stopped getting up early. As a result, I stopped doing my morning devotion. Honestly, I stopped spending time with God altogether. Including prayer time. I had slowly drifted from God. That feeling of exhaustion removed the desire to do: To do anything productive at work, create content for my blog, journal or write, and even shop (I know right). Exhaustion had removed the color from my life and replaced it with feelings of inadequacy, comparison, guilt, and worry.
Addressing the symptoms of physical and spiritual exhaustion
I was past the point of needing a spiritual tune-up. I needed an entire reset, all the way back to the factory settings! I took my mom’s advice and planned to take a week off from work. My only goal for that week: To reconnect with God. I needed to reevaluate my goals and dreams and allow time for him to reaffirm my direction or guide me back if I was headed the wrong way. I needed this time to seek his face and experience him in a way I hadn’t in a very long time.
Let me tell you, getting to that week was no easy task. It was pushed back due to training at work, the kids had to stay home for a week due to Covid and due to a system error, I was notified by HR and told that I didn’t have any vacation time to take! I’ve been on this journey long enough to recognize when Satan is at work. He was doing everything he possibly could to hinder this time I needed with God. That let me know there was something great waiting for me on the other side!
The week I spent with God was just that, a week with God. I picked one spot in the house and spent my day there, asking god to prepare that space for his presence. Every morning I entered that space with praise and worship, thanking God for what He has done in my life. I didn’t have a plan for how the next 8 hours would be spent. I just asked God to guide me, speak to me and fill my space with His peace.
I read, I prayed, I meditated and I journaled.
I wrote letters to God for every dream I was currently seeking, and every goal I was working towards and asked that he affirm the things I wanted in life. I wrote prayers for my children, and my marriage, and on the last day I went from room to room praying that God’s presence, protection, and provision fill that space and never leave.
The things that worried me, I wrote them down. The things that still felt broken, I wrote them down, the dreams that felt so big and yet so consuming, I wrote them down
And I laid them at his feet.
Matthew 7:7 says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you.”
The time spent was a reflection of that verse. There are dreams and goals that I carry that are so big and so great. Dreams that God has placed within me. But lately, I’ve believed that what I do is the only thing that will bring those dreams to fruition. As a result, my efforts were falling short, my mind and body were failing me and exhaustion had slowly removed the desire to do…
I was like the foolish man who built his house on the sand in Matthew 7:26-27. “…and the rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and beat against that house and it fell and great was the fall of it.” Instead of maintaining the foundation of my life through continuously seeking God, I began to rely on my own strength, and sure enough, when the floods and winds of life began…everything fell.
Thankfully, we serve a God who is actively waiting for us at the altar. And when we need help acknowledging we are on the wrong path, he will open the door to conversations that will open our eyes to the very thing that’s been calling our name. I created an altar right in my game room. Every day for 5 days, God kept his promise and met me there.
There are two types of tired: one that requires rest & one that requires peace.
I was both…
Through the time spent that week, I established a new routine. One that consistently kept God as a top priority. I go to bed on time and wake up with God on my mind. I incorporated a new routine with the kids. One that allows me to take pockets of time during the weekday and use it as productive quality time. I’ve returned to time blocking during the workday, allowing me to see exactly how I can be productive and efficient at work. So once I close my computer for the day, I am not pressured to open it again at night. All of these things have allowed the physical symptoms of exhaustion to be addressed. And Seeking God has removed the spiritual symptoms.
In the end, not only did God give me rest but he also gave me peace.
Matthew 6:32-33
“…and your heavenly father knows you need them. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Matthew 6:34
“Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.”
Psalm 34:14
“…Seek peace and pursue it.”